Official Joke or Story Thread

[Cornelius]

Have you heard or know of a good joke or story? Post em if ya got em. This one came to me in an email.


Baked Beans - This is hilarious!

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans!
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:
'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[LOM58]

Reminds me of that old Geiko commercial with the woman in the car.

 

[Rivers1]

An angry wife to her husband on the phone: Where ARE you?!

Husband: Darling you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said baby it'll be yours one day?

Wife with a smile, blushing: Yeah, I remember that my love.

Husband: I'm in the bar next to that shop.

 

[Rivers1]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.... Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

Image:

 

[Guest]

[FONT="Arial","sans-serif"]Recently,a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year
old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was
charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public
intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his
way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know
how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around
for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

Lawrence wenton to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut
a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was
really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrencefailed to notice an
approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer
Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor.
'I walked up to Lawrenceand he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .

'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex
with a pumpkin??'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he
looked me straight in the face and said:

'A pumpkin? **** ... is it midnight already?[/FONT]

 

[xrac]

Have you ever felt like strangling one of those 'loud mouthed' cell phone users who seem to sit near you in a restaurant or any other place and forcibly share their private call with you. Here's one solution, provided by a commuter, to combat this display of bad manners.

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to
him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: "Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"

I guess that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

 

[xrac]

Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade..

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a six percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?

Employee: Oh,the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

 

[LOM58]

Two blonds were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blond #1.

"Do what?" asked Blond #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

 

[xrac]

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, and K.”

She humbly asks “What does that mean?”

He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said “Oh, that’s so lovely what about I, J, and K?”

He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

 

[denny]

All very funny ones.

This one is especially funny:

There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.

She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed.

In a panic she called 911. They answered and said "This is Joe, is there an emergency?"

The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" Joe said, "Don't panic help in on the way...where do you live?"

The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!"

Joe calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"

The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!"