Official Joke or Story Thread

[Winter_123]

Chuckle.........

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark sunglasses.
She says: "Excuse me, Sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel ?"
He says: "Ma'am, I'm completely blind but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you
everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says: "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB.
test line.
It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says: "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the
counter. I'll take it !" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and
accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could
tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person
around.
The man rings up the sale and says: "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks: "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was
on sale for $20.00 ? How did you get $34.50 ?" He replies: "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is
$20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."

Oh man, that's racist!!!

 

[xrac]

Oh man, that's racist!!!

Probably makes me a Misogynist and discriminatory against the handicapped too.

 

[Winter_123]

Probably makes me a Misogynist and discriminatory against the handicapped too.

Think about it "bear repellent."

Most bears are either black or brown, right? And a repellent is to keep them away, right?

So what I hear you saying is that you think that it is funny to be joking about keeping blacks and browns away- which is not very welcoming and inclusive.

And that part about the woman "grabbing the man's rod." Just sayin, that's the type of talk that got Donald Trump in to trouble.

I hope that Sam does not ban you when the libs here complain.

 

[xrac]

Think about it "bear repellent."

Most bears are either black or brown, right? And a repellent is to keep them away, right?

So what I hear you saying is that you think that it is funny to be joking about keeping blacks and browns away- which is not very welcoming and inclusive.

And that part about the woman "grabbing the man's rod." Just sayin, that's the type of talk that got Donald Trump in to trouble.

I hope that Sam does not ban you when the libs here complain.

Wow, you are a deep thinker. Way beyond me!

 

[Robert Barney]

Think about it "bear repellent."

Most bears are either black or brown, right? And a repellent is to keep them away, right?

So what I hear you saying is that you think that it is funny to be joking about keeping blacks and browns away- which is not very welcoming and inclusive.

And that part about the woman "grabbing the man's rod." Just sayin, that's the type of talk that got Donald Trump in to trouble.

I hope that Sam does not ban you when the libs here complain.

I think the racist/bear analogy is all wrong.

Polar bears, which are white, liberals claims they are in declining numbers and liberals are upset by that. From that I conclude the analogy just doesn't hold up.

 

[xrac]

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & make-up are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
What the hell did you bring him home for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

 

[Robert Barney]

A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership just in time to see the
car they had been interested in being sold to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a
mini skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I
thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price.
Yet I just overheard you close the deal for $47,500 to the lovely young lady there.
And if I remember rightly, you had insisted there was no way you could discount
this model.

"The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass
of water. "Well, what can I tell you, Sir? She had the cash ready, didn't need any
financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning
salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys
to the old man.

"There you go,“ she said ”I told you I could get that *** to lower the price. See
you later Dad, Happy Father's Day."

Once again.... don't mess with seniors.

 

[WinoBlues]

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St.. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

'BOB, wake up....... You've shit the bed!'....

 

[Robert Barney]

If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous
erudite (comic) scientist who once said:

"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and
replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 827% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kine-sis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite -

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights still work?

 

[LisaMcdowell8]

If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous
erudite (comic) scientist who once said:

"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and
replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 827% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kine-sis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite -

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights still work?

This is genius! I will probably keep it to myself and print haha. Some expressions are especially interesting, I would like to know more about this Steven Wright, I have not heard about him before, this is really interesting. Have a nice day!